понедельник, 26 апреля 2021
15:14

Lost in paradise.
It's a sense of almost losing myself that makes me pause and reflect on my life. So many things have been happening at the same time sometimes I feel lost, like I'm being held by the water but still floating in the unknown ocean. Terrified by the possibilities, and of losing myself just to get it "right" this time.

I'm tired of fighting. It feels like I picked up a stone and try to pretend it's the right kind of stone and it's not heavy at all and I can carry it through everything and it'll get lighter and better. You know it won't. You knew this from day one. You were scared to face the fact that you chose wrong again. That it'll go back to the start in a blink of an eye. So you stopped blinking till your eyes got red and teary. But it's time to let it go. He feels it too and he's nervous. And I feel for him, I really do. But I don't wanna lose myself. I can't afford to. It's not the end of the world, I'm still young and beautiful and funny and witty and caring. But not with him. Not like that. I care for him and my heart breaks every time I have to make excuses to not get carried away by annoyance. Just not the right choice. I need someone in my life who gets me, without excuses, without pretending, without fear and judgement. Am I wanting too much? Is that even a real thing to get all of that in one person? I don't want to settle for less.

He doesn't see the world the way I do. And it's fun and interesting up to the point of me getting tired. And then I see him, pointing and accusing. I know he can be better. But do I really want to change him? It's a dead end road, changing a person you love. I want him on my terms and I can't back down. He doesn't understand the pressure I feel, he can't understand till he has been through the same. I almost want to let him go and watch him find what he's looking for just so he could come back to me and we'd be together without this elephant in the room. Does that make me a bad person?

I don't want to ruin his life and I won't let him ruin mine.

At this point I feel like the only solution would be for me to move out to a new place near where I am now. Not a rent, but fully mine. But I can see only one way of getting it and I shame myself for even considering this as a solution. I don't wanna start a new life on top of someone's death.

I long for a break. For something to make everything okay and easy. I carry all these things I took on myself half a year ago and I am just waiting for all of it to be finished. I have no idea what to do next but I'll figure something out.

---

"I hate Suzie" is so painful to watch. So real, so full of desperation and loss and just being torn apart by the world and wanting it all to just go back to the way it was. Beautiful yet terrifying. I applaude Billie Piper for this performance, it helps me put some perspective on things.

Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me
Look at the state of me
You can't deny it
I'm gonna walk out
So follow me now
Just get behind me

My eyes adjust and I'm okay
But I'm not gonna put up with this one more day
I can't find the exit sign
But when I do, I'll bolt into the sunlight

Some may fear running to the unknown
But please, just tell me where else can we go

Look at the state of me
Look at the state of me

Broken, hostile state of my life now
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me
Get away
No blood to waste
Closing slowly they don't own me
Just get behind me
Just get behind me

Lacey Sturm - State of me


@музыка: Lacey Stuem - State of me

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #counting on hearts like yours

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вторник, 30 марта 2021
23:21

Lost in paradise.
I am so grateful today. I rarely am and when I am it is the most wonderful thing in the whole world. So much love and appreciation inside of me, I even start to wonder if it's me at all. But I am mesmerised by the world's beauty, by the care of people in my life, by life itself in all its glorious differences.

Thank you, Universe, for letting me enjoy it. At least for today. Days like this are here to remind us why we do what we do. They are the reason we wake up in the morning in the hope that today is the day everything feels right. I feel like I found myself. And it's something I never wanna let go.

The world is gorgeous and I am gonna appreciate the hell out of it!

I believe in us
I can't remember why I believe in us
These seeds of the past, they keep springing up
Love begins with trust
But we can't be trusted

Ah, the future starts with us

Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Let icons fall

Dare to break away
Tear down this broken machine
Escape your pledge
We're falling to pieces

Ah, the future's rising up

Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Let icons fall

Push through the pain
Unbreak the system
Arms of self-sacrifice
Lay them down
Lay 'em down, lay 'em down, lay 'em down, lay 'em down

Blind belief, are you afraid to see
That our fathers were wrong?
We hold the key to redemption
Love over all
We hold the key to redemption
Love over all

Evanescence - Blind belief


@музыка: Evanescence - Blind belief

@темы: #my heart is high as the waves above me, #in my field of paper flowers, #counting on hearts like yours

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воскресенье, 21 марта 2021
15:42

Lost in paradise.
Let me start at the end, that's how my emotions work.

I am stuck at home, waiting to get my son back any minute now. I've done absolutely nothing productive today and shame myself for it senselessly.

What am I afraid of?

I feel shame for letting him down. But how is it my fault he takes every-fucking-thing so bloody personally?

I feel unprofessional, imagining how much effort I need to put into my diploma and still feel like I'm no good enough. Though I am doing stuff I haven't even considered five years ago.

I feel like I betrayed something important telling him all that stuff. But I don't wanna hide a huge part of my life and my world view just cause he feels uncomfortable around it.

It's all because of my birthday coming up in a few weeks. It'll pass.

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вторник, 23 февраля 2021
00:06

Lost in paradise.
Иногда он слишком высокомерен. Я устала оправдываться и судорожно искать подтверждения своей точки зрения. Семья - это там, где не осуждают. Где можно выдохнуть и довериться, не боясь быть осмеянной. Любой диалог он сводит к спору. А я просто хочу, чтобы моя точка зрения не была воспринята в штыки. Не нравится тебе она - ради бога, верь в то, что тебе по душе. Но не надо поливать меня помоями.

Порой я вижу не сильного уверенного мужчину, а мальчика с комплексом неполноценности и тягой к доказательству достоинства нахождения на этой земле.

Дурак. Я готова принять и любить, а ты строишь стены и ставишь своих игрушечных солдатиков, впивающих острые иглы мне под колени, и удивляешься, что я падаю. Мне все сложнее удержаться от того, чтобы просто не сорваться и не уйти.

Хватит со мной бороться. Мы по одну сторону баррикад.

Background sad, background sad
Waiting for the storm clouds to clear in my head
Background sad, background sad
Wondering if this is as good as it gets
Am I always gonna just be, just be getting by
Telling myself it's alright?
Does it matter how hard I try?
Am I always gonna just be, just be background sad

Icon for hire - Background sad


А так все хорошо начиналась.

Не увязни в болоте, Каури. Испепеляющий огонь не всегда чистит, иногда нужно просто принять мир со всеми его уроками. Ты учишься и шагнула дальше, чем могла представить. Я тобой горжусь.

@музыка: Icon for hire - Background sad

@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well, #the music is in my blood, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #counting on hearts like yours

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вторник, 16 февраля 2021
14:10

Lost in paradise.
Well, what a year it has been. And in a lot of ways I am gratefull.

Right now I'm in a relationship, which is both exciting and confusing, I'm swinging back and forth between the joy and desperation, and yet at the moment I've learned to just except it. Which is a great step for a control freak like me.

I hate that this term "control freak" will forever be assosiateed with S.

I'm evolving, slowly, painfully, with lots of throwbacks and a sense of worthlessness. But still. I haven't moved in my life that much probably since coming out of depression.

V. is such a sweetheart, I am still mesmerised every time he looks at me with adoration. I used to wonder if I deserved it, now I just except it with gratitude. I've come to terms with not controlling what other people think of me and it's very freeing. In the past I would have done anything just to keep the fire in his eyes, comletely shutting down my wishes. Now I see everything clearer even if it's more egoistic. Oh well.

Mother said to me once she sees me becoming inhumane. It hurt. For a while. Then I excepted that. Last year has not just shown to me my darkest sides, it let me except them. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I don't fit into other people's expectations. Yes, I am very nasty sometimes towards the people I love. I am a selfish arrogant bitch. And if previosly I obsessed with "being the good guy" now I just... Don't care. It's your projection of me. You don't like it? Well neither do I sometimes, but at least I'm trying to be better for myself and you just complain I don't do everything you want me to the way you want me to.

Drag me though the dark
Oh bless your little black heart
Tear my world apart
Oh bless your little black heart

Icon for hire - Waste my hate


And yet despite of being a cold-hearted bitch I am I realised it helps me separate who I really care about from everyone else.

V. is so sweet. I've always been fascinated by the fact that men are the sweetest things at their masculine core. So caring and protecting, I adore that. It takes me some courage (a lot, actually) to speak out loud what I really feel. And it takes a grumpy old "you're-not-stepping-in-that-shit-again" part of me to separate what I really want from wanting to impress him and keep him close.

He wants kids and it's comletely understandable. Hell, if I haven't had one already, I would probably agree to this whole new family thing. But every time I have to remind myself that although he is amazing there are some tumbstones I don't like and from what I gather from my friends it's only gonna get worse in time. So here they are, for reminder's sake. Just so I don't forget where the ground is next time he holds me and my brain is filled with hormonal nonsence.

He doesn't see the world my way. At the core I believe we are not the top of evolution. I don't believe in mega-people, enhanced cyborgs with the ability to do whatever. He trusts official medicine and laughs at my faith (can't really call that a religion). He turns every discussion in a competition and tries to show me how wrong my ways are. He wants me to sacrifice everything my child has just so he can keep living in an apartment he earned (which is relatable, but hell, you'ld still have it if you moved closer to me).

And yet I am estonished by his immense knoledge of everything, his undying fire and lust for new facts, his unbelievebe kindness and hell, I haven't been this satisfied in bed probably ever. And he cooks. Very-very good. Next to him I feel like a woman and I like that. But I don't want any more kids and that's the elephant in the room we keep tapping around. I see it as a great "have-to-do-in-life" and he feels like he's done everything else. And I haven't done anything BUT that. I just started to enjoy my life and I am so not giving that up. He doesn't see it and quite frankly that's the most annoying thing. He is like a child in a sweet shop trying to convince me his life is incomplete without a pack of chocolates. And the next annoying thing is that he doesn't even wanna try to live together because of my son! I mean, come on, if you want a family, I want a test drive and what better way to do it than with a child?

I complain a lot. That sucks and I'm trying to get rid of that. Poorly.

The world does not belong to you
You are not the king I am not the fool
They said the world does not belong to you
It don't belong to you
It belongs to me

The pretty reckless - And so it went


I've started a lot of what I wanted. I'm getting a requalification (is that the right word?) and a driver's licence. I'm taking a vocal course and exploring the legal side of things.

All in all - life is good to me and I appriciate it. Probably for the first time in my life ever. With my eyes wide open and a head so clear it hurts.

Life is an ending
Starting in the womb
You build a home of brick and mortar
Then it is your tomb
And I don't know real, I don't know right
I don't know if I should lay down or fight
But I know that somehow
It'll be alright

In the seventh hour
Waiting in the cold
I can feel the power
I'm turning gold
I'm turning gold

The Pretty Reckless - Turning gold


@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well, #the music is in my blood, #my heart is high as the waves above me, #counting on hearts like yours

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понедельник, 14 октября 2019
01:28

Lost in paradise.
Am I doing this right? Am I a terrible parent? Should I do more and if I should then how am I supposed to bring myself to do it without hating myself and everyone around me?

I hate it. I hate it all. My uselessness. My inability to fix what's broken in my son. And I'm not sure I really want to know. It's easier to pay someone to fix the problem for me. I'm tired of controlling everything, it feels like I'm on my own. I don't need reassurance, I need someone to rely on in making decisions and carrying them out. I'm sick of doing it alone. I need everything to be perfect, or at least easy enough to get better, but everywhere I turn it gets worse.

He doesn't read. He's afraid of failing and I'm definitely not the one to break that fear since I am the one who put it there. I'm not interested in seeing a psychologist, I just want my kid to do a simple thing - and he refuses. It drives me mad and makes me wanna hit him again and again till he does what he is supposed to, what everyone does eventually if they want to do anything in this life. All he does is listening to books and watching some stupid cartoons. He is so much like me I hate it. I wanna be alone, I haven't figured myself out and I don't see how I can do that any time soon. I don't need him to be there as a monument to my failures.

I do the bare minimum and it doesn't help and I don't have the energy to do more. I don't wanna invest in him even though I realize it might (probably would) hurt him in the future. Should I have put him in the class? Should I have been to the doctors with him? Or did I do the right thing? I know it's not enough, but it never is, is it?

I feel so lost and terrified for his future. And yet I stand still and hope it all goes away, cause I can't bare it any more, being an adult. Everybody else seems to avoid it, why should I be any different? Why does it bother me so much and yet paralyze me to the point of a comatose existence I spend on watching pointless videos on youtube and playing games - anything to avoid reality and the choices I have to make.

I just want him to be okay and my choices not to hurt him now or ever.

I don't wanna break down
So where do I go?
My screams sink to the bottom
Top of my lungs, just an echo
Inside I'm still hollow

Icon for hire - Hollow


@музыка: Icon for hire - Hollow

@темы: #never understood this life, #whenever you call for me, know that I'm only one step behind, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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среда, 19 июня 2019
12:05 

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Lost in paradise.
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суббота, 16 февраля 2019
00:44 

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Lost in paradise.
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среда, 13 февраля 2019
15:54

Lost in paradise.
В спокойных днях есть, безусловно, своя доля радости. Отсутствие необходимости бежать сломя голову и что-то решать в режиме "мир в огне" оставляют меня сначала в недоумении, а потом в приятной неге "наконец-то отдохнем". Но, к счастью или нет, надолго меня не хватает и жопа снова жаждет приключений. Но пока размеренность и удовлетворенность неспешным нахождением в одном месте продолжительное время без обременительных обязанностей приносит долгожданное спокойствие и даже появляются силы что-то делать со своей жизнью. Правда, иногда накатывает "о боги, сколько же всего мне нужно переделать, чтобы чувствовать себя адекватным человеком, а не уебищным тупым эгоистичным одиноким говном", но я завариваю чай, ставлю музыку или фильм и пытаюсь сбежать от реальности и дедлайнов по самосовершенствованию. И моя голова может расслабиться хотя бы на пару часов. Что уже больше, чем я обычно себе позволяю.

@темы: #my heart is high as the waves above me

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воскресенье, 10 февраля 2019
22:52

Lost in paradise.
And they're asking me if I can see the darkness down below
And I know it's true, I say I do, when half the time I don't
Maybe I can't make what it may take to leave this thing behind
But I shut my eyes and cross each line and every time

I keep on running backwards, I keep on losing faith
I thought I had the answers, I thought I knew the way
My brother said be patient, my mother held my hand
I don't know what I'm chasing, I don't know who I am

Mike Shinoda - Make it up as I go (feat. K.Flay)


I'm losing faith in reality. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Goals don't feel like a way to approach life, just more rules to follow. "If you want to upgrade your N skill - do this X times, repeat for more experience". I used to be a gamer, used to be a serial watcher, used to have dreams and pursue them, now I just purposelessly float day by day. I had a few goals when I started working at my current place of occupation. And I enjoyed it! But now I got what I wanted and I'm not even at the crossroads, I'm lost in the field with no wish to go any further. I try to push myself, but it just doesn't work. I don't have anything in life I want and I feel like I've lost what I had.

Watched a review on the final episode of the 4th season of Buffy, felt oddly connected with Xander. Like him I keep coming back to my "basement" in hope I won't end up like my parents. But in the end I am not even half the human either of them are, just a waste of space with a god complex. In rare occasions when I start to feel good about myself something knocks me down (or rather I knock myself down) and it all goes to hell.

My inside's out, my left is right
My upside's down, my black is white
I hold my breath and close my eyes
And wait for dawn but there's no light

I'm a call without an answer
I'm a shadow in the dark
Trying to put it back together
As I watch it fall apart

..

Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing makes sense anymore

Mike Shinoda - Nothing makes sense anymore


@темы: #never understood this life, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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вторник, 05 февраля 2019
00:30

Lost in paradise.
Another thing I realised scrolling back my old post in a previous diary - I am terrified of change and all the challenges it brings with it. I used to get excited and ready to rock the world with all the new knowledge I gained while falling on my face for the millionth time. Right now I'm in a safe mode - routine is my everything. I am too fragile and chaotic right now to handle more chaos which any new thing brings with it. I need structure and certainty to feel safe.

@темы: #never understood this life

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понедельник, 04 февраля 2019
23:34

Lost in paradise.
This is so surreal, coming back here. I couldn't remember my account at first, then I just put my fingers on the keyboard and they typed it all in by themselves.

It is odd being back, feels like I've made a full circle again and came back to the start. Diary is like the rock bottom I fall on when the ground is taken away from my feet. Serials and diary - my imaginary friends that kept me sane through my teens and now I cling to them hoping all of this is gonna pass, too, somehow.

I alienate people around me. I'm almost 25 and I still haven't learnt the magic of social interaction. I always knew my parents and I were too different to understand each other completely. And every time I speak out loud what I actually feel like, I get knocked down by them and it kills me every time. I promised myself over and over again - don't do it. Hide it inside, find a way to sugarcoat your feelings. But I'm too damn tired of fairytales and dancing around what I really wanna say that I give in and destroy the only good thing I have in my pathetic life - the love of my parents. I'm never gonna be like them and something inside me dies from that realisation.

I don't love my kid. I said it out loud. It's not his fault. Right now I'm blaming my mom for convincing me not to do an abortion. Aaand I blame A. for taking advantage of my naiveness at the time. But the joke is on me. In the end, I could have had a say in all of it and I chose to ride with the flow. Yes, I can try and justify all of it by saying I was too young and inexperienced to have to deal with that sort of thing, but in the end it doesn't even matter. No matter how much I wanna turn back the clock, I made this mess and I should be the one to live it through.

Except I can't. Days turn to endless voids, taking up my mind, flooding it with hate and despair. I poison everything I touch because I lost the ground and I can't find a way to a safe haven.

History is repeating itself but I was always careless about it. I don't learn anything, do I? And now I've been on pills for almost two months now, my body slowly giving up to coughing and getting sick at every flow of the cold wind.

I'm in need of a nanny again. I lashed out on the previous one cause my mom said she was sleeping on the work. Which to me was no big deal, but since it came from her with the obvious intent "deal with it" and I was so tired after work I just reacted. And it blew in my face. Wonderfull. Then I lashed out on my mom saying I don't wanna be like her - alone, jobless and in depression till I'm like 50. That went even better. My parents yelled at me, but what they don't understand - this is how I feel. I'm sick of hiding and pretending I'm better than this - I'm really not. I don't wanna be like my parents, I admire them and all they've (my mom mostly) done for me, but thank you, no, thank you, I'm so not gonna live like that. I don't like my son, he feels like I'm back at school again and I count the years till I can be free from him and have my non-working time all to myself. Not sure what to do in all that free time other than destroy myself from inside, but I hope I'll think of something by the time that happens. To be honest I don't even like me - and that, I think, is the reason for everything else. I can't see the point where a nice naive empathetic girl turned into neurotic manipulative matherialistic cold-hearted cynic. Cause that's what I am. On one hand, that's very practical and gets things done without too much heartache, and on the other hand - a heartache is better than no heart ot all.

I wish the wonderful time of "look how pathetic I used to be, glad that's over now" will come some day. Those would be the times.

@темы: #never understood this life, #whenever you call for me, know that I'm only one step behind, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

URL
пятница, 25 декабря 2015
00:07

Lost in paradise.
It seems my thoughts escape me when I try to express them in any way. It's like a chaotic ocean inside that just stops still and hides if someone tryes to look at it closely. Like something in the corner of your eyes you can't quite grasp. Pretty annoying, that's what it's like.

I've been trying to understand the changes I'm going through. With the therapy my life has become so much more complicated. Smells change, my view of the world changes, my appearance changes. Everything's so liquid. Sometimes I just sit there and try to get a hold of some aspect of my life, any aspect. But it all fades away. Right now I'm a messy pile of nothing with a pretentious complaints about the world.

I started rewatching Buffy. I remember that I couldn't get her on my first view of the series, she seemed a bit dead to me since about season 5. But now I can relate to her. All of the expectations, all the responsibilities, all that pressure boiling up inside and no time to breath. That scene in 5x09 Listening to Fears when Buffy washes the dishes and starts crying uncontrollably, like something is exploding inside of her and she uses that rare moment of "no one sees me" to pour some of the background radiation out, stunned me. That's what I feel right now. The explosion's already happened somewhere inside of me I just can't seem to take it out in the open. It waits for the right moment to shed a couple of tears and then keep poisoning me from inside.

God, I don't remember the last time it was so hard for me to blog. Diary has always been a sort of a confession room, a safe bay where I can drop all the shit from the inside and feel at least a little bit better for pouring it out. But now even here I lost the ability to speak. The words are there, they are so close, but I can't form a phrase. Zip. Nothing. Like singing with a shut mouth. Except I can't even do that. I lose the tune everytime I try.

Today I watched top 10 buffyverse episodes by Passion of the Nerd. And there was something he said. "Depression is not how crappy you feel, it's how little you feel". And I realized all this time people've been telling me I'm depressed and I denied it cos I didn't feel sad. I just didn't feel anything. And now everytime I think about feeling nothing I can't stop crying. Cos now I see. That's the problem. That nothingness, that numb feeling you get when there's just so much of everything you need to process and you're just not up to it yet. I need a break. A real one, without "I sleep today and tomorrow will be a funny little "how am I gonna do all of that in one day"".

I was looking at jewelery and I realized something's changed. I'm not the person I used to be. Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? It's like waking up in someone else's body, I don't know anything about me. I don't like a lot of things I used to love. And I don't know how to explore that new person. I look in the mirror and it's not me. I don't know that person. Where's the one I knew? I liked her. Most of the times.

I am so confused and I can't seem to get out. Can't even call for help cause the words refuse to leave my tongue. My thoughts are racing, my body is alien, I don't know anything about the world or myself. Everything changes so fast I can't keep up. I'm in this frozen stage of "what the hell is going on" and I can't do a thing to snap out of it.

@темы: #i hide behind these notes too well, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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воскресенье, 28 июня 2015
02:31

Lost in paradise.
It's been a while since I wrote here or, to be honest, anywhere at all. It's a sort of therapy to write what's on your mind even though no one's ever gonna read this. I come back to my diary when I feel so alone my inner walls start crumbling and falling down and I just stand in the middle of all of this, naked, vulnerable and there's no one to clothe me, to hold me and tell me it's gonna be fine.

So much going on right now, I don't even know where to start. Today I'm gonna be at my friend's birthday party. A friend I stopped knowing ages ago. But we keep in touch, mostly for my sake, cause I really have no one else to even consider a friend.

Today I snapped again. I felt these big cold metal doors of trust slamming, I can still hear that sound. I can't do this anymore. Every time I talk to my mother I'm pulling away further and further. I wonder if she feels it too. She's always saying I should talk about problems, not keep them locked up inside. But every time I open my mouth I get yelled at or so misunderstood I wanna cry "were you even fucking listening to what I just said?!". All I get is advice. No sympathy, no shoulder to cry on, just "here are 100 solutions, pick one already". I just want someone to sympathize me. A little. Yes, that would be encouraging my ego instead of breaking it, but I can't always be strong. I don't wanna end up like my mother, remembering I have a life by the time I'm forty. I wanna live now. With all of my egoism, mistakes and misjudges, I just want someone by my side once in a while. Someone who doesn't tell me that I need to stand up and fight, just someone who can actually hear me. I am so tired of being alone.

I'm doing everything wrong. Got myself involved in so many things, I can't keep up the pace. All of this unfinished stuff is eating away at me and there's nothing I can do about it. It's like when I clean up the mess I'm in, there appears a sign over my head "drop shit here".

I want to get out. To actually relax. But I can't. I need to do this and that and I'm spending too much time just staring at the mirror, unable to pick one more prioritized matter. And I feel my strength slipping away. Every day I wake up with a thought that I am a failure. And I've got no one else to blame but myself.

It's funny, all of these thoughts flying around in my head, but when I try to force them out, there's just nothing. They are still there, in the corner of the eye, I can sense all of the Unsaid and Undone, but I've been silent for so long I don't even remember how to get it all out in the open. With every personal conversation I'm shutting down piece by piece, so that no one ever finds out what a mess I really am. So that no one will be disappointed again. Sweet lies of everything being fine.

I'm not sure whose disappointment is more meaningful to me - my own or someone else's. I am so scared to trust people, because they break you, they open up old wounds, create new ones, tear you apart and leave. And I don't know if I have the strength to pick myself up again. Because I don't know if anyone would even be there beside me when I get broken again.

I'm hiding the only way I know of - in watching imaginary people's lives, in hoping that one day I find someone as close to me. I don't care that much for the plot, the interpersonal relationships are much more interesting. Because I don't even begin to grasp how people get close to each other. So close you can see though the person and you're not afraid of that person seeing you. It's always been a mystery to me. So I'm peaking through a window of a candy store at all of these happy kids with their sweets and imagine that a cold icicle in my hand is something close to what they have.

When people start talking I don't know what to do. I either listen silently or start interrupting them. Or there's a very awkward pause. All of this "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but you seem like a nice guy" sort of thing just doesn't pass my inner critic. Because I don't believe in people, I'm afraid of them, of their sharp words and unasked opinions that inflict my own vision of myself. The moment I think I have a solid ground under my feet someone pushes me. And I fall. I just wanna stay still for a moment, maybe then I finally see how they do it - trust each other.

@темы: #never understood this life, #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #don't let go ’cause I don't wanna be this

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понедельник, 01 сентября 2014
12:57

Lost in paradise.
Пятый день в Поморье (Болгария). Сон, еда, море, repeat. Завтра переезжаем на этаж выше, из студии в двухкомнатную квартиру. Послезавтра уезжает мама.

Первое сентября всегда был днем "ну вот опять учеба". И сейчас, сидя в номере и слушая шум волн, я понимаю, что безумно соскучилась. После рождения Л. все так быстро закрутилось, переосознание ценностей, серьезная ответственность и другой ритм жизни выбили меня из колеи и я была рада сдать позиции в отношении института. Сейчас я почти уверена в тотальной бессмысленности нашего высшего образования, по крайней мере, в МТУСИ, но, тем ни менее, мне не хватает бессонных ночей за очередным курсовиком, болтание в скайпе и манчкина в перерывах между парами. Социализация снова стала для меня проблемой, очень сложно сейчас признать, что нужно начинать сначала.

Зайдя в вк группу однокурсников, узнала, что К. вышла замуж. Черт, как же я хочу этого. Я хочу, чтобы рядом был любимый человек, который готов вместе развиваться и совершенствовать друг друга. После долгих размышлений я пришла к выводу, что не хочу такого физического тепла, которое давал С., я стремлюсь к душевному теплу, потому что это тот свет, который не угасает и не обжигает, он греет и ограняет лучшие стороны, сглаживая неровности и шероховатости. Ну а физическая близость в конце концов приедается, страсть уходит, остается только разочарование. Черт, я звучу как сороколетняя вдова.

Мне снится С. Мы регулярно с ним говорим и это приносит облегчение, хотя с утра я не могу вспомнить даже примерной темы нашего разговора. Это все больше напоминает мне, что надо начать что-то новое. Найти единомышленников и отпустить прошлое. Цепляясь за него, я не позволяю самой себе ценить настоящее и формировать будущее. Но отпускать страшно и сложно, поэтому пока я собираюсь с силами и надеюсь на лучшее.

@музыка: Kelly Clarkson - Dark Side

@темы: #never understood this life, #i hide behind these notes too well

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понедельник, 18 августа 2014
12:11

Lost in paradise.
Продолжая традицию таймклабовских постов, хех.

Л. так быстро растет. Я просто поражаюсь его любознательности и стремлению узнать обо всем и побыстрее. Это заразительно вдохновляюще. Единственное недоразумение - бабушка. Она дает ему за моей спиной новые продукты, таскает его на руках круглосуточно и всячески советует когда ее об этом не просят. "Я не против ни тех, ни других, но только не сутками"... Поэтому завтра, надеюсь, заберем Л. домой и с дачей до следующего лета покончено! Ура, товарищи!

Вчера написала песню. Как же приятно снова погрузиться в это состояние. Сядь за синтезатор, пойми, что ты ничего не умеешь. Текст есть (внезапно дался намного легче предыдущих), работаю над аранжировкой. Писать, писать, писать! Я хочу творить, я хочу выплеснуть остатки негатива на бумагу, в нотах и словах. А во всем виноваты Radiohead. Скачала их дискографию, поставила на фоне, пока играла в Цивилизацию, на третьей песне поняла, что меня куда-то уносит, а слова сами просятся на бумагу.

Позавчера гуляли с Н. на ярмарке варенья. Неожиданно для себя почувствовала, будто все по-старому, я просто беззаботный подросток, который может наслаждаться жизнью, да к тому же я социально адаптированное существо. Мгновение свободы от собственного разума. Чудесно.

А все спасибо медитациям. В попытке сбежать от дотошной бабушки, выпивающей меня капля за каплей, я снова решила продолжить занятия и меня затянуло. Приятное состояние ровного спокойствия и любви к миру. Не истеричное счастье, а просто уравновешенность.

И теперь я могу с уверенностью сказать только одно - здравствуй, белая полоса. Я нашла себя, я собралась из осколков, я сильнее, умнее и увереннее в себе, чем я когда-либо была. И, черт возьми, мне это безумно нравится.

@музыка: The Pretty Reckless - Going to Hell

@темы: #my heart is high as the waves above me, #counting on hearts like yours

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пятница, 08 августа 2014
14:23

Lost in paradise.
Вчера я была заворожена тем, как Леша играет с перемещающимися по проволоке предметами. Меня внезапно достигло осознание того, какой гигантский путь он прошел за год, как он изменился и повзрослел. Потом я прочитала ему книгу с картинками и двустишьями про игрушки. Он внимательно выслушал и стал сам листать страницы и показывать на рисунки, ожидая, что я ему их назову, что я, конечно, и делала.

Год назад я сидела в поликлинике и думала, что до этих больших ребят, уверенно что-то лепечущих на своем языке и играющих в развивающие игры, Леше еще очень далеко. А теперь вот он, передо мной, такой большой и любознательный и целый мир перед ним открыт. Это зачаровывает. Мир безграничных возможностей. Все дороги открыты. Ему все ново и интересно. И он ждет моего слова, моего взгляда, ждет, что я проведу его и покажу все эти краски. And I'll do my best. Because how can I not? Ведь мой сын ждет этого от меня, он нуждается в этом и я буду с ним every step of the way.

@темы: #my heart is high as the waves above me, #whenever you call for me, know that I'm only one step behind, #counting on hearts like yours

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среда, 30 июля 2014
17:21

Lost in paradise.
Зачем я продолжаю себя обманывать и делать вид, что все по-старому? Все, что остается во мне после встречи, это разочарование. Раз за разом. И я продолжаю наступать на те же грабли, потому что ни привычные и удобные, с привкусом жалости и забытой безбашенности.

@темы: #social skills I'm not sure I have, #it’s made of dead things but it keeps me warm, #counting on hearts like yours

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вторник, 29 июля 2014
11:29

Lost in paradise.
LiveLib — социальная сеть читателей книг

Рецензия на книгу «Таэ эккейр!»

Таэ эккейр!

Если бы эта книга подавалась как сказка, а героям было лет по тринадцать, то я бы поставила твердую четверку. Но для фэнтази (даже юмористического), да еще и с достаточно взрослыми героями, персонажи слишком слащавы и наивны, их поступки не логичны, а движение сюжета определяется какими-то мелочами, списываемыми на случайности и эльфийскую магию.

Первый главный герой - Лерметт - двадцати-с-чем-то-летний принц, отправленный с посольством к эльфам как самый опытный в дипломатии человек, с сообщением о разрушениях, учиненных подданными эльфийского короля. И вроде как предполагается, что персона это серьезная, даже при заявленной "искренности и открытости" понимающая, когда стоит помолчать, когда - действовать, когда вести деловой разговор, а когда - будничную беседу.

Второй главный герой - Эннеари - эльфийский принц примерно того же возраста (по эльфийским меркам, естественно). Заявлено, что он "суров, но справедлив", любопытен, открыт новому, да ко всему прочему опытный охотник и интересуется людскими обычаями.

Но на деле это две пмсные девицы-подростки, чье настроение меняется каждые пять минут, из любой мухи выдувается небывалых размеров слон, а главной проблемой похода является отсутствие нарядов, подобающих случаю, и "о боги, что обо мне подумают".

Далее спойлеры.


@темы: #in my field of paper flowers

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вторник, 22 июля 2014
13:42

Lost in paradise.
Evanescence на Yamaha HS5 еще более потрясающие, чем обычно. Хотя левое ухо у меня почему-то слышит хуже. Буду списывать это на монитор, слишком близко стоящий к стене.

Я доделала виртуальное пространство (домашка с курсов)! Скажем дружное ура собаке и голубям, заменившим трек с радостно поющими птичками. Без птичек все намного лучше. Переделай то, что делал два месяца назад, пойми, насколько ты продвинулся!

В пятницу опять в леса. Ох, пережить бы. Долгая дорога, минимум удобств, с ребенком 24/7 и не спрятаться в своей комнате. Need personal space and a place to hide for two hours a day.

Жить хорошо.

@музыка: Evanescence - The Change

@темы: #watch me get it wrong at the top of my lungs, #never understood this life, #my heart is high as the waves above me

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