Lost in paradise.
You know you hang on to your past when you open Tumblr, scroll back through your blog and think - God, that's still me! All the uncertainty, the "no-one-will-ever-love-me", the "I-bloody-love-this-fandom", the beautiful gifs that make you cry and laugh and the amazing way of writing stuff I can tolerate only on Tumblr when there's no punctuation whatsoever and you describe your feelings with a gif or an asdfghjkl.
Sometimes I wonder how I can be a twenty-year-old mum, when I'm such a child. I mean, look at me. All these serials, games, fandom related stuff, all of these teenage problems I can't grow out of... Is everyone like this? Is it just me? Is everyone just as alone as me? Does everyone hide inside their skin praying for no one to ever see what they truly are and secretly wanting the same damn thing so bad, that it hurts? Do I sound insane when I say I've had a different world in my head since I was a little child and I go there whenever I feel uncomfortable? Is it normal - not trusting anyone? Everyone goes away, they leave you, and you just have to stand up and go on and on and on and you tell yourself, that this shit is in the past, it doesn't bother you anymore, and you don't stay up at night thinking what could have been different and how it would have affected your life.
Or am I taking it all too serious? And you don't grow up? Ever? Do you just keep hiding your inner child, stop letting it have fun and do stupid things till it hurts too much and you die? Sometimes I wish I had someone I can talk to about this. With tea and cookies and an episode of something really big and touching like DW, Angel or Firefly. And this person would just cudle me and answer to all my questions and there would be a feeling of I'm not alone. Is it possible? Was that person right beside me and I missed him? I mean, everyone has someone, right? What did I do so wrong, that I get nothing in the end? It's a long time till my child grows up to have a conversation, and I just want someone my age who feels the same way.
Right now it just hurts too much to be alone.
Sometimes I wonder how I can be a twenty-year-old mum, when I'm such a child. I mean, look at me. All these serials, games, fandom related stuff, all of these teenage problems I can't grow out of... Is everyone like this? Is it just me? Is everyone just as alone as me? Does everyone hide inside their skin praying for no one to ever see what they truly are and secretly wanting the same damn thing so bad, that it hurts? Do I sound insane when I say I've had a different world in my head since I was a little child and I go there whenever I feel uncomfortable? Is it normal - not trusting anyone? Everyone goes away, they leave you, and you just have to stand up and go on and on and on and you tell yourself, that this shit is in the past, it doesn't bother you anymore, and you don't stay up at night thinking what could have been different and how it would have affected your life.
Or am I taking it all too serious? And you don't grow up? Ever? Do you just keep hiding your inner child, stop letting it have fun and do stupid things till it hurts too much and you die? Sometimes I wish I had someone I can talk to about this. With tea and cookies and an episode of something really big and touching like DW, Angel or Firefly. And this person would just cudle me and answer to all my questions and there would be a feeling of I'm not alone. Is it possible? Was that person right beside me and I missed him? I mean, everyone has someone, right? What did I do so wrong, that I get nothing in the end? It's a long time till my child grows up to have a conversation, and I just want someone my age who feels the same way.
Right now it just hurts too much to be alone.